Walking with God through Disappointments

"watching my season slow down to the pace of grace 

hasn't been easy on my hasty soul 

my flesh wanting to move swiftly 

but my spirit needing to dwell in the secret place

heartfelt tears in asking God why

to take a deep breath and say "thank you for knowing what's best for me" 

to mold, shape, refine, and develop 

the disappointment sure did its work in the hands of God

open your mouth and confess

he's never intimidated

the anointing is in the honesty"

We would all agree that 2020 has been one heck of an emotional ride, trying to describe all that we've been through as a whole is overwhelming to say the least. Things were left out in the open. Dreams. Visions. Goals. Everything shutting down right before our eyes. "Lord what is happening?" Before the pandemic, I had some exciting things that I was hoping to take place that I've waited and believed God for for so long, "This is my year" "This is my time" Filled with the "its almost too good to be true" emotions to then walking into an unexpected pandemic where suddenly everything stops. 

We all were left in uncertainty. Almost losing our minds, trying to figure out what is going on, assuming this pandemic would be over the next month and hoping again the next month but here we are in November, and we're still fighting through this. "God, we hoped your revival would've came as soon as we prayed for it."  What do we do? Whose to blame for this pandemic? We can't blame anyone neither can we really control it besides doing our part in being safe by wearing our mask.

To state the obvious in our current reality has been tough on those who really expected a lot to happen this year. Maybe you thought God was ready to do those things you've worked hard the previous year for. Maybe you expected God to open major doors for you. You had plans. I had plans. Everything seemed flushed down the toilet and all you've been left with is a soul that's disappointed. 

Disappointed: (of a person) sad or displeased because someone or something has failed to fulfill one's hopes or expectations 

Disappointments can go from minor to major over time if we aren't careful in properly managing them. It has a way of trying to consume a lot of your hope in God if you let it.

That's why Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." We can talk a lot about our small situations, but God is most interested in the deeper ones. Don't look so surprise. Yes he's coming for: 

The one that has your faith wavering right now. 

The one that has you on edge that talking about it leaves you emotionally unstable. 

The one that had your heart set on believing it was going to happen at the time you thought it should have.

 That's the disappointment Jesus wants to touch today. 

To begin, I want to share with you the walk I took with Jesus through disappointment by introducing to you a psalm that can better express my heart in the process.

"The Wounded Artist"

"You've delayed me again

I thought you were ready? 

I thought my excitement was yours?

I thought I was ready to walk through those doors

you've delayed me again 

And decided to heal me at the same time 

everyone else were releasing EP's 

Was it to test my heart? 

To see if I would still believe you again?

To see if I would see the bigger picture of the delay again?

Lord help my heart to hope 

continue to breathe life into the songs you spoke

because comparing seasons just keeps 

the artist wounded and defeated

but the wounded artist shall rise 

and will receive the healing and wholeness 

from the sweet prize of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ 

so rise again my soul, keep expecting the faithfulness of God

and never let go because this wound turning into a scar is beautiful

God hasn't forgotten you

you healing artist 

I have been wounded as an artist for a long time. I've grown so numb to the pain that it became unrecognizable. I couldn't tell whether I was in faith or extremely hurt, either way, I kept writing. "How does God continue to give me the grace to write when I'm on the edge of giving up?" God knew I was deeply disappointed, but I didn't know how to talk to him about it. My entire music journey felt like I've been doing an unnecessary arm stretch that's reaching nowhere. Things didn't make sense. Have you ever been tired from trying? That was me. "Why is this so difficult for me? What's wrong with me working on a project?"

While I have been surrounded by other singer/songwriter colleagues and have had great exposure to things, I still felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't moving as an artist like I saw every other artist did. "I know it isn't an easy journey but at least they've made progress." as I would say. 

I had some really bad comparison issues that made me start second guessing the songs I was writing and double checking to see if my voice was still enough. Nothing felt authentic when I would congratulate other writers and singers releasing their music. "I'm trying to be a team player, but I'm just tired of my own journey not moving. God this isn't fair."  Haunting questions like "Do you have music out? "Are you releasing any music some time soon?' replaying in my mind all over again. "God, I never have any response when people ask me if I have any music out? Have you forgotten me? "Why does it seem so hard for me?" "Why does it look so easy for everyone else?" 

All of these questions were self-centered because I never took the time to acknowledge my pain. "God, I'm hurt." goes a long way when you admit that to God, but it gets even clearer when you tell him why you're hurt. When its deep pain, we try easing it with temporary cares such as streaming shows and or hanging out with friends, and while all of that stuff isn't bad, we still use it to get around the real pain that needs more attention. I never thought for one second that God was just working things out for my good because I was too busy assuming he was withholding a lot from me. But enough was enough. 

I believe 2020 was the year God decided to really heal this wound and the one thing I can tell you is that he has a special way of getting your attention about something that's really important to him. He will use specific situations as an invitation. 

For example: Whenever I would see an artist releasing music, I would crack a little smile, say yay, but later cry. (no joke) I would cry and say to God "But I want to be happy for them. It's their season. It's their time." Couple of months in, I started seeing more releases. "God, all of a sudden all of these artists are releasing EP's around the same time" I'm emotionally wrecked all through my social media timeline. Finally I heard the Lord say "How long will you ignore my invitation? I've allowed this to happen because I knew you were heart-sick, and I've been showing you your heart so that you would realize I want to heal it." 

…"I'm sorry Lord, I was afraid..."  I didn't want to be uncomfortable, so I hid. I want to be healed but I assume I have to fix this in my own strength." Number 1, it sounds crazy to want to be healed but you choose to stay connected to your brokenness because you're afraid of being uncomfortable with the healing process. The enemy will make you believe that you're able to heal yourself. We can't do that. We're too fragile and also human, our flesh will immediately choose for us and we'll never receive the healing God intends because we kept running to others things instead of him. I kept running to quick fixes, celebrating through the day, seeing another release and start dreading through the night. "That's a God pick." He keeps picking at that brokenness. That disappointment that grew too deep. 'Lord, I can't be afraid of this anymore." 

My friend, it is possible to be wounded by the things God has called you to do. But we have a choice. We could carry our wounds into what God has for us or we can deal with it as God has carved out space to do so. We do not have to stay broken. We do not have to live in our disappointments. 

 I recently read an amazing quote by Joyce Meyer "God doesn't deal with us about everything all at once, he deals with us as the timing is right." This encourages me to know that everything that has happened in this season was on purpose. God set aside time to really heal me. He allowed myself to open up one wound at a time. To speak when trembling. To trust when uncertain. He wants our surrender. 

I let it go. I surrendered with a sigh of relief that finally I could recognize that my heart was tired and would begin trusting the only one who knows how to take care of it best. The beautiful revelation about this process was that God never took his promises away. What he spoke is still very powerful to repeat back to myself to this day. He just wanted me to be ready for it. So yes, his promises still stand but the promise was never more important than the vessel. The vessel is weak and needs strength. The vessel needs proper preparation. The vessel couldn't possibly do this without the Lord in the first place. That's why wholeness really matter. So please know that God will not get over what's hurting you. He wants to heal you. 

In this moment, take a deep breath and search your heart. Ask yourself these questions. 

1. Are things really okay with my heart?

2. Has God been trying to get my attention in this season about something I've been really disappointed about?  

Now, Let's do something practical:  

Get a Journal/Notebook.  
Anything you could write on and go back to would be great. 

(sidenote: don't underestimate the power of journaling.) 

When you have your journal, write the following question down:  "Why am I disappointed?"

I know it sounds simple but simple can be powerful. 

I will show you an example of this exercise: 

"Why am I disappointed?" 

1. I felt it was my fault I wasn't where I thought I should have been as an artist. 

2. I felt I wasn't stepping out on faith enough.

3. It felt like God was making it very hard for me to walk this music journey out. 

4. I wasn't agreeing with God's timing. 

5. I felt forgotten.

It's very important for you to be detailed as possible to really expose the root of the matter. 

You want to give yourself a chance to be vulnerable. 

Vulnerability starts with you and Jesus before it goes out to be shared with the world. 

Write out your list of reasons for whatever wound you're struggling to walk through. 

You've hid from the truth for so long so it will be uncomfortable for the first time. 

But we're more than conquerors right?! You got this. 

Next, as you've written those reasons down. 

Take another breathe. 

Now speak life into them. 

For example: 

1. I felt it was my fault I wasn't where I thought I should have been as an artist 

(But God's timing is perfect, and I will forgive myself for all the self-condemnation I was doing. Right now he is molding and shaping me into the artist he wants me to be and that takes time. He knows best so I will continue to trust him.) 

2. I felt I wasn't stepping out on faith enough. 

(There are some things that only God can do, I've done the part that I know to do so I will trust God to take care of the rest. God will come through for my life. Things of the Lord will not come by force. He's proud of the steps of obedience I've made, therefore, I know he will take care of me.) 

3. It felt like God was making it very hard for me to walk this music journey out. 

(God is for me and not against me. He never said it would be easy, but he did say he would be with me. What I think is hard is actually me trying to operate in my own strength. I must stand down and remember that God orchestrated this journey, therefore, he will get the glory out of every season.) 

4. I wasn't agreeing with God's timing. 

(God says to  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5.  So I will rest in him. My soul will wait for him to act. My soul will not give up on him. I must surrender to his will because his timing is what's best for my life.)  

5. I felt forgotten 

(But God's word says that I am chosen and not forsaken. He says that I am not overlooked and that he is always thinking of me. He has an incredible plan for my life. What God has for me is for me.) 

You don't have to leave your reasons with a period. 

Put a comma on it and end that sentence with God's word. 

I guarantee you, this small practical faith exercise will change your life for the betterment of your healing and wholeness. God will meet you in such a powerful way. He rests in the honesty. He begins the greater work in your honesty. God wants you whole and healed and when you in faith, step into an unknown place with him, you will come out so renewed, restored, refreshed, and full of faith. 

Oh, you want to hear the results of my process since practicing this exercise. I've gained:

1. Greater Perspective 

I started to really see the fruit of the wait. He has pruned my entire perspective of what being an artist means. I didn't know my heart was that full of myself. "I want the album, the tour, the recognition, etc too" He took all of that and really showed me what artistry truly is unto him. What performance could never be. And that's true honest worship. I don't sing because I want to be heard anymore, I sing because I know where the gift came from. (That took a lot of dying to self to realize this) 

He has given me songs I could not have never thought to write. 

The type of songs that would describe the kind of walk I have with him now.

 That took healing to receive such revelation. Which leads me to my next point. 

2. Humility 

I'd never forget hearing from an amazing friend "God is most interested in taking you from a performer to a worshipper" Coming from a performance base background, I had to really open my heart to understand this. God has allowed me to lead worship in this season at my amazing church City Church Chicago, and while I am grateful, I see the beauty in deep humility in Christ. It's become a sensitive task to know that you're leading people into the presence of God. That takes sacrifice. That takes yielding. That takes healing. Healing from the heart of pride of thinking it's always been about you. 

When it comes to worship, yes, there is a set of practical things that take place, as far as the worship set is concerned, but the motive is to always worship the Lord above all. As an artist, we can be self-seeking into what we want the people to respond to. "Jesus, if I'm not careful with that my heart will run into people-pleasing"

Part of my brokenness was feeling forgotten which I mentioned on my list of reasons, and feeling that way, caused me to seek for sense of recognition for my gift and talent. I sung with the intention of wanting others to know I could sing. I long for the compliments because I just wanted to feel apart. I wanted to feel like an artist. I was already tempted to take the Singer/Songwriter title off of my name because I assumed that making yourself known via social media was the way to truly be an artist. 

Jesus walked me through a very cut-throat process in this, because he cared about what my heart was deceived by. Humility has helped me to surrender my idea as an artist to receive his idea as one. Humility has helped me to put away my pride and know that learning doesn't have a stopping point. I am constantly learning, growing, and able to develop my craft through seeing the beauty of waiting on God. 

I didn't want to become this artist that's secretly competitive because she never dealt with her insecurities and wounds. Especially as an gospel artist. A gospel artist's intent is to make Jesus name great. So this artist from another shouldn't be my competition but my teammate. We are in this together. We collaborate  together. We support one another. We lift him up high in unity. 

That revelation? TAKES HEALING. And all of this came about because I asked myself "why was I disappointed?" Your "why" will lead to a greater healing, perspective, and revelation. I will never forget the journey that God has specifically designed for me, and the most exciting part of it all is that the story is not done. There is still more he wants to do. And I will see the faithfulness of God. He knew all the wounds it would carry but knew the beauty behind it. That's what makes us most like Christ. 

DECLARATION: 

To every disappointment, you no longer have a hold on me. You no longer can fester within my spirit because what you meant for evil, God meant it for good. These wounds are now scars and can be gladly shared for the glory of Jesus Christ. I receive my healing, perspective in Christ, and revelation. I rise. Because now I am a HEALED ARTIST. In Jesus Name' Amen 

PRAYER: 

Heavenly Father, Thank you. Thank you that you use everything for our good. Our disappointments have greater purposes and we now see that we can find the beauty in the pain. That brokenness attracts you as you are close to those who are. You are never far away. Help us to be open and honest with you. We are scared to be uncomfortable, so give us the strength to trust you in this cut-throat process. You have the power. You have the word. And you are revealing power within me. I never had to let this disappointment take over my now nor future. I just had to surrender so that you could do something beautiful with us. Help us to remember that we already had the victory. Help us to remember that this is for a greater purpose. Help us to remember that we are not forgotten. We are loved. We are chosen. No brokenness is overlooked by you. You are in control. You know what's best for us. Thank you for your son Jesus, he is the reason why wholeness will forever be possible. We declare that we are healed artist and or healed in whatever gift or talent you've blessed us with. We receive your healing and we walk in wholeness and take up our cross for your glory. Thank you for blessing us with an amazing story. We love you. 

In Jesus Name' Amen. 

SCRIPTURES FOR OVERCOMING DISAPPOINTMENT: 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. "Jeremiah 29:11 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

'Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalms 42:11 

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed" 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:5

"Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5